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What NOT to Say to Senior Parents
Life Lessons

What NOT to Say to Senior Parents

by Kimberly Johnson
written by Kimberly Johnson

What NOT to Say to Senior Parents

What NOT to Say to Senior ParentsTaking care of senior parents is not easy, so it’s normal to become frustrated sometimes. The problem is that the frustration can sometimes take over our choice of words. This is when we say things that we probably shouldn’t, and that causes some relationship issues that make the situation worse. The following are some of the things you probably shouldn’t say, even out of frustration. It’s hoped that by having this fresh in your mind, it will help you preserve your relationship. What NOT to Say to Senior Parents

#1: Don’t you remember?!

It’s likely your parents do not remember it, and probably not a lot of other things. When people say this, it’s almost saying the person is inadequate for not remembering.
It’s better to say, “Let me tell you what happened.” You can also just take the queue from the confused look on your parent’s face and go ahead and clue him/her in.

#2: Don’t say you can’t because you can. You just need to try.

I know…you’ve probably said it and you didn’t really intend on it turning out the way it did. It’s okay. The good thing about life is that you can move on with new knowledge and make different choices in the future.
What you can say instead is, “Why don’t we do it together?” or “Let me help you.” You can then gauge how much he/she can do and step back if he/she needs less help.

#3: Ugh…I just showed you yesterday. Here…I’ll show you AGAIN.

You may have showed your senior parent countless times how to use the remote, but he/she still doesn’t get it. It’s okay because that’s normal. Taking the time to teach them again means that you’re teaching him/her a little more each time.
What might be good to try is to write down the instructions. This way your parent can refer to it when needed.

#4: That has nothing to do with what I just said.

Seniors often have a difficult time focusing on conversations. Sometimes, they want to say something before they forget, which means it could be out of context. Try to go with the flow and if possible, bring up what you were trying to talk to him/her about later on in the day.

#5: You already told me that story a billion times.

Many people (not just seniors) have a hard time remembering who they told what. Seniors, especially those with dementia, have a more difficult time.
Instead of telling your parent he/she already told you, it’s better to say, “Oh yes, I remember. That was so funny!” You can also just go ahead and listen. Patience is a virtue.

#6: This is what I want when you die.

Some people don’t see anything wrong with saying this, and some even see it as a compliment. However, it does hurt some seniors to hear that loved ones are waiting for them to die. It’s best to keep this to yourself, even if you are coming from a good place with it.

Let Go of Guilt and Move On

If you’ve said any of these statements, don’t worry. Do not beat yourself up over it. We are all human and as humans, we make mistakes. Learn from those mistakes and live a better life.
As a personal consultant, I often help caregivers deal with senior parents. If you need help, please contact Kendall Van Blarcom for a personal consulting session. He can help you and your senior get along and make this stage of life an enjoyable one for both of you.
Kendall Van Blarcom
www.KvanB.com

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Aging in Place
Age-In-Place

Aging in Place

by Kimberly Johnson
written by Kimberly Johnson

Aging in PlaceAging in Place

Most people prefer to stay in their home or apartment for as long as possible. The best way to make this a reality is to plan ahead of time to make the amenities in your home as safe and accessible as possible. It can be hard to imagine that tasks around the house that were once done with ease can one day pose a challenge. Anticipating the challenge and planning accordingly may allow you to remain in your home for an extended period of time. Often, with some minor modifications, your home can be adapted to help you stay as long as possible even with some loss of mobility.

HOME MODIFICATIONS

Living at home longer may mean renovating a home to make it more accessible. This can include such things as installing ramps to bypass stairs, building a bedroom on the main floor, placing grab bars in the shower, changing the height of kitchen countertops or making a bathroom safer and more accessible. Before you make home modifications, you should evaluate your current and future needs by going through your home room by room and answering a series of questions to highlight where changes might be made. Several checklists are available to help you conduct this review. The National Resource Center on Supportive Housing and Home Modifications is a good place to start. Go to the center’s website at http://www.homemods.org and click on the link to the “Safety Checklist and Assessment Instrument.”

GETTING HELP

Keeping a house running smoothly requires a lot of hard work. If you are no longer able to keep up with the demands, you may need to hire someone to do laundry, buy groceries, run errands, clean the house or perform any necessary repairs. Those who are unable to perform Activities of Daily Living (ADLs), such as getting in and out of bed, walking, bathing, dressing, and eating, can often continue to stay at home with outside help. There are a number of services that can be brought in to assist with ADLs and other personal care. You can hire someone, such as a personal care aide or home health aide, to help you out a few hours a day or around the clock.
Some health care services can be provided at home by trained professionals, such as occupational therapists, social workers or home health nurses. Check with your insurance or health service to see what kind of coverage is available, although you may have to cover some of these costs out of pocket. If very specific conditions are met, Medicare will help pay for all or a portion of home health care.

TRANSPORTATION

Declining health often causes a decline in independence and mobility. Many seniors lose the ability to drive or simply feel uncomfortable behind the wheel at night. Investigate transportation options in your area so you can maintain an active social life, get medical care and shop for necessities. You might find family members willing to take you to the grocery store, friends who will drive you to social events, nearby bus routes, reduced fare taxis or senior transportation services funded by a local not-for-profit. Staying in your home should not mean being cut off from community activities you enjoy. Finding new ways to get around, even after you are no longer driving, may allow you to stay engaged and active.

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Ask an Expert: 5 Tactics for Dementia Caregiving
Caregiving

Healthy Boundaries When Caregiving

by Kimberly Johnson
written by Kimberly Johnson

Healthy Boundaries When Caregiving

Healthy Boundaries When CaregivingCaregiving is a selfless job. You provide support to someone who desperately needs it from you. You give, give, give and give some more. However, when does that giving get to be too much? When does the giving cross boundaries? Healthy Boundaries When Caregiving

Why Crossing Boundaries Is Bad

The reason crossing boundaries is bad is because it can burn someone out quickly. This can make them overly tired, grumpy, and resentful. It can also lead to illness. Usually, this is because the person puts the other person’s needs before his/her own. This just leads them to feeling worse than what the person receiving caregiving felt before.
“Over attachment” is something caregivers and seniors need to pay attention to when they are in a situation such as this one. It’s not healthy because each of them depend on one another. When something happens and they are not able to be around each other, there’s a feeling of loss. It is incredibly bad when this happens and the senior passes. The caregiver is left feeling as though all that he/she was living for is gone.

How to Establish and Maintain Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining boundaries isn’t as difficult as you may think. You will need time away for yourself regularly. This time should not be committed to something else such as work, family, or friends. It needs to be time in which you can reflect and recharge. You may spend this time doing something you enjoy such as painting, drawing, or some other hobby. It might be time to write in a journal, scrapbook, or just read. This time should be solely for you, so you know how to spend quality time with yourself.
When you first start doing this, you will feel weird. You will feel as though there is something missing. You may even feel guilty. This feeling is normal and it is a sign that you were becoming overly attached. Give yourself time to adjust. Do it for as long as you can, and then go back to life as you normally live it. As you do it more, the break will start to feel better. Over time, you will start to enjoy it, and you may even get to a point where you will look forward to it. Yes, it doesn’t seem as though that is possible right now, but it really is…
Once you have established boundaries, the next obstacle to overcome is maintaining them. Things will come up that will make it difficult to keep those boundaries intact. You may feel as though you are being pulled in many different directions, and giving up your time will feel as though that is the easiest option. Do not allow yourself to do that. You don’t need to give yourself up. It’s best to find some other way to deal with the situation, so you still get your time. If that means you have to say no sometimes, or have someone step in and take care of your loved one, that’s okay. You do not have to feel guilty about it. You are taking care of your loved one, but you’re also taking care of yourself.

Need More Help?

If you feel as though you have a lack of boundaries with your loved one as a caregiver, but you can’t see yourself establishing boundaries and maintaining them, consider turning to a personal consultant. Kendall Van Blarcom is a professional personal consultant who can help you improve your life as a caregiver, so you can continue to love what you do for your loved one. Contact him now for more information on how personal consulting can help you through some of the struggles that are common for caregivers.
Kendall Van Blarcom
www.KvanB.com

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Changing Your Perspective of a Situation
Healthy Living

Changing Your Perspective of a Situation

by Kendall VanBlarcom
written by Kendall VanBlarcom

Whenever there is a situation in your life you are not quite fond of, you may find yourself unable to see it any differently. You are stuck on your beliefs. Those beliefs are what makes the situation so difficult to deal with, though. When you’re able to change your beliefs or perspective, you can alter the way you approach the situation. Changing Your Perspective of a Situation

How to Do It

It’s not easy to change your perspective, but it’s possible. The following can help you do that.

Consider Alternatives

Many people get stuck on one belief, and they simply cannot change it. They want to believe it wholeheartedly, but it may not be completely right or true. Changing Your Perspective of a Situation
Changing your perspective starts with considering alternatives to a situation. What else could be going on with it? You may not believe, but just thinking about it can help you start seeing things differently.

Ask Yourself Questions

Asking yourself questions can help you get unstuck. You will naturally want to answer those questions you ask, and that might bring up some ideas that you’ve never had before about what you’re dealing with at the moment.
If you are having a difficult time doing this in your mind, don’t hesitate to start writing them down. This way you can see what you’re thinking and be able to problem solve much easier.

Think About How You Would Act

Once you have the alternatives in mind, you may want to start thinking about how you would respond to the situation if that was what the situation was… For example, if you thought a friend stole money from you and you’re angry about it, you may want to change your perspective to your friend thinking the money was his because he had left some in a similar spot. In that case, you may not be mad and simply ask him if he took your money by accident. Or your perspective may be that your friend must have really needed money if he took it from you, so you may want to start helping him in some other way.
Sometimes, you need to start acting in a way that goes along with the alternate perception. This will click in your mind and help you believe that other perspective. With time, that other perspective becomes the one that you end up going with, which makes the situation not so bad.

Why This Is Important

Usually, people’s perspectives are negative. This creates negative feelings and problems in life. Instead of doing that, you can cut out a lot of the stress in your life by just changing the way you look at things. This way you can change your reactions to them.
If you need additional help with this exercise, contact Kendall Van Blarcom. He is a personal consultant who helps many people consider alternatives to their situation, so they can change their perceptions and reactions. Sessions are conducted via phone, and are completely confidential. Book your session now for the help you need now.

Changing Your Perspective of a Situation

Changing Your Perspective of a Situation Changing Your Perspective of a Situation Changing Your Perspective of a Situation
Changing Your Perspective of a Situation

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