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Planning a Funeral
Aging

Planning a Funeral

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

Funerals are happening every single minute all over the world; each funeral having its own personal imprint and private touches to honor those that have died. Planning a Funeral
There has been an inordinate amount of headline news recently regarding planning a funeral.
Nelson Mandela died peacefully at the ripe old age of 95. His funeral planning must have been a lofty challenge for family members with the thousands of mourners and hundreds of dignitaries wanting to participate and pay their respects. Planning a Funeral Planning a Funeral
Paul Walker, of “Fast and Furious” movie fame, who died in a fiery high-speed car crash, was honored in a private family-only service in Hollywood, protecting his young daughter from the intrusion of the media, while thousands of his adoring fans paid tribute to his life at his crash site.
Japan’s Emperor Akihito announced to the world his funeral plans which will forever be remembered as a bold move, setting an example of how to save space, time and costs for the rapidly growing elderly population in Japan. Akihito is planning to be cremated and that will “end a 400-year burial custom of the world’s oldest monarchy” according to international news sites.

So what are your funeral plans?

While you may not be a handsome movie star, or an emperor of a country, or a Nobel Peace Prize winner, you certainly are a special individual and your family will want to honor you in a way that honors your life and represents who you are and what you mean to those you will leave behind.
Here’s a list of things to consider when planning a funeral:

  • First, decide if you want to have a funeral service or a memorial service.
  • Consider making arrangements, and possibly pre-pay, with a funeral home.
  • Who do you want to officiate the service?
  • Who would you like to eulogize you?
  • What scriptures, readings, or prayers do you want?
  • Do you want a wake? calling hours? viewing?
  • What, if any, music you would like shared?
  • What kind of flowers do you like? Do you want flowers?
  • Where do you want to have the service?
  • Do you have family funeral traditions you wish to include?
  • Do you want a reception after? If so, where?

Clearly, there are similarities in planning a funeral as there are in planning a wedding, or birthday party celebration.
Nelson Mandela’s funeral is a great example of all the details that are considered when planning:

1. Who was responsible for planning his funeral? (if he didn’t already plan it)

2. In what, where and how was his body to be transported?

3. Who was going to be invited? Who is going to attend? Where does everyone stay?

4. What to do about the weather? Security?

Indeed, 12,000 members of the South African National Defence Force were put into service just for the security piece alone! And don’t forget about the 4,000 journalists…
When you think about Mandela’s funeral plans, you must feel greatly relieved that you and your family will not have so many, seemingly overwhelming, tasks to attend to. But there are still a lot of tasks!
Start a list of ideas, wants and wishes. You will be doing your family a favor and your “send off” will be personal and memorable with your input.
My list starts with music. What is on the top of your list? Planning a Funeral Planning a Funeral Planning a FuneralPlanning a Funeral

Planning a Funeral

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Writing the Best Obituary
Family History

Writing the Best Obituary

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

“All the dates and degrees and statistics don’t matter,” she said. “What matters is the life itself.” “How so?” “Well, I always began by asking, ‘Tell me about your loved one.’ Eventually, we always got the truth.” Writing the Best Obituary
This passage was written by Ann Hood, author of “The Obituary Writer” an empathetic story of love and loss, human nature, and eventual death. Writing the Best Obituary
Writing an obituary is one of the most difficult, yet important tasks to attend to after the death of a loved one. Choosing the appropriate words and articulating the final “send off” to celebrate the life of a family member or friend can feel like preparing for an AP History Exam without having opened a history book. The fact-finding is difficult and often happens during an emotionally challenging time.
Obituaries turn the private moments and details of one’s life into one final public announcement. “Getting it right” is first and foremost on the minds of those appointed the task of writing any obituary. Like an AP History Exam, the facts must be accurate and the personal message should include the passions and lifetime achievements as well as attempt to illustrate the character of the decedent.
Reading great obituaries can help. Pick up some newspapers and browse the content and writing styles. No one will care if you “plagiarize” the format of an obituary. Use it as a guideline. Having all the facts and data readily available is helpful. Families are often left on a scavenger hunt searching for this kind of information. Attempts to conjure up the facts, or even remember important details, during an emotionally charged time adds to the difficult nature of the task. Writing the Best Obituary
Organizing the essential biographical data all in one spot helps your loved ones quickly find the common information they’ll need in a number of situations after death. Painting a lasting portrait of someone’s life takes time and thoughtful consideration.
How many times have you read an obituary and thought, “Oh, god. I wish I had met this person.” You will want people to know what you were passionate about and what was important to you. One might say that a good obituary is one that is clearly written, clever, sometimes even downright funny, and always leaves a wonderful lasting impression.
When you actually sit down to draft your own obituary, it’s pretty amazing the stuff that you will want people to know about you. Don’t be a narcissist, but engage your readers and tell them who you truly are.
Make it easier on those you will leave behind. Put pen to paper and reveal all the remarkable things you will want others to remember about you.
 

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Tips for those grieving and those who wish to help
Aging

When Incapacity Happens in Your Family

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

What does Dad want? Have you asked? How about Mom? Does anyone know what her wishes are? Has anyone asked her? And is anyone really listening to what they are saying? When Incapacity Happens in Your Family

Life can turn on a dime. Incapacity happens. Wouldn’t it be better to take some time now to get prepared? There is no time like the present to ask questions and get some answers. It’s never too late until it really is too late!
Engaging in conversations about what to do in the event of incapacity or death and formulating a plan ahead of any crisis situation is a winning combination. Talking about the “what if’s” now will help diffuse and negate the possibility of a terrible outcome during a difficult situation. When Incapacity Happens in Your Family
In case you have been busy enjoying the summer and not taken time to be up with the news, there’s a movement afoot. It will change the current absence of meaningful and necessary conversations. End-of-life conversations will soon become an integral part of exchanges between doctors, patients, caregivers and family members when it matters most. Why the changing tide? Medicare will reimburse physicians for their time spent having these important discussions with their patients and family members. One’s end-of-life wishes will soon become an integral part of the conversation when you visit your doctor for an annual check up or if you end up in a hospital in a crisis situation.
There will be no more excuses for ignoring the pleas from patients and families to be “heard” when end-of-life decisions are first and foremost on their minds. We’ve all heard stories about family conflicts and family tragedies – so isn’t it better to have these conversations well in advance of a crisis?
The ending of Bobby Kristina Brown’s life exemplifies a worse case scenario – the losing combination of a lack of prior conversations, the lack of any clear planning, the added complications of a blended family, and no person “in charge” of handling the life changing event.
Time is often of the essence. Asking Mom and Dad to communicate their wishes is a priceless gift to you. Telling them your wishes is your gift to them too! Bobby Kristina Brown’s situation reminds us that these kinds of events can and do happen at any age.
Think about it. Talk to your parents, your spouse, your physician, and your adult children and make some of these difficult decisions now. Knowing your loved ones wishes and expressing you own will help alleviate the fear and the chaos of “what to do” when incapacity or death happens.

When Incapacity Happens in Your Family

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Real Estate Documents Your Children Need After You Die

Real Estate Documents Your Children Need After You Die

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

5 Real Estate Documents Your Children Will Need After You Pass Away

Planning ahead for what happens at the end-of-life shouldn’t involve frantic last minute searches for information that someone in your family will need, and want, after you are gone. It’s so much easier if you take some time now to plan ahead. Real Estate Documents Your Children Need After You Die

One of the biggest items to plan for is what happens to your real estate.

Unless you want to send your loved ones on a wild goose chase looking for documents, keys, and other assorted valuable information that you’ve stored in a variety of places, getting your real estate assets organized for them now will be appreciated in the future. Real Estate Documents Your Children Need After You Die

Starting with the basics, the following are the five most important groups of documents you should gather in one place so that your children and/or other loved ones are able to easily access them in the event of your passing. At the very least, write down the precise locations of these items to avoid a scavenger hunt later on.

1. Land and Property Deeds

  • Address and location of any keys
  • Maintenance providers’ contact information
  • Title of property (joint or individual)
  • Location of original deed and other relevant documents
  • Title insurance document
  • Property easements and locations of documents
  • Current estimated value

2. Rental Agreements and Leases

  • Rental property location and landlord contact information
  • Location of rental agreement document and location of key to property
  • Information on any property you own and rent to others
  • List property location and lessee contact information
  • Location of rental property agreement and location of keys to rental property

3. Mortgage Papers

  • Mortgage company and contact information
  • Location of original document
  • Paperwork showing balance of Mortgage

4. Utility Company Information

  • Oil company and contact information
  • Oil tank refuel access location
  • Prepaid oil contract details
  • Gas/electric company(s) and contact information

5. Alarm/Security System Information

  • Security company and contact information
  • Alarm code or alarm password

Getting the information about your real estate assets in order is one of the biggest gifts you can give to your loved ones after you are gone.

Would you like a place to keep track of and organize this kind of information? LastingMatters provides an easy, affordable and comprehensive way to document and organize your personal wishes and intentions related to end-of-life planning and planning for death, helping to ensure peace of mind for your loved ones.

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How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent
Aging

Help Adult Children face Your End of Life

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

There are many reasons adult children might struggle to face their parents mortality. Let’s face it, no one wants to think about death and dying much less talk about it. Yet, it’s inevitable and deserves setting aside time to have a very important conversation while you are able to. Help Adult Children face Your End of Life

Help Adult Children face Your End of Life

As you grow older and end-of-life preparations are considered, there comes a time when you will need, and want, people to join in and help you as you go through the process of getting your affairs in order. At the very least, you’d like your adult children to acknowledge that the road does not go on forever and you’d like to be prepared for your sake as well as for theirs.

Specifically, we’re talking about having face-to-face, open and honest conversations with your adult children. As much as we might wish it were different, things will not go on as they are today, at this very moment, or perhaps even next month or this year. Hopefully, you will not have to undertake these preparations and discussions alone.

Do you have children who will engage in conversations that are sensitive? Will your spouse be open to and able to lend a hand in making some decisions with you? Should you consider having conversations with the care manager at the retirement commmunity or health facility where you live and have been cared for? Can your trusted advisor help guide these conversations between you and the next generation?

What your adult child might really be struggling with as you near your end of life is their own mortality. After all, if you’re getting older, they (your children) are too…and they may feel like they are not that far behind you and therefore choose to avoid the topic at hand.

To get started, you can encourage and allow your child to express whatever feelings they may have about end-of-life. Ask them some open ended questions such as “what worries you the most?” If you’re able to, it might help to arrange a specific time to talk with your adult children together with an advisor – someone they respect and trust – or perhaps even engage the services of a professional therapist.

You might suggest that as your end-of-life approaches, getting your affairs in order is not only important to you, it will also help them in the end and save them time and reduce family pressures that often arise when the inevitable happens. Additionally, you might wish to alert them about, or even include them in, the planning process so they can learn about what matters most to you. Perhaps you will consider telling them about an item that is meaningful to you that you have chosen as a special keepsake, just for them.

One of the greatest gifts of all that you can give your adult children is access to information when they will need it most after a life-changing event, such as incapacity or death, occurs. LastingMatters provides an easy, affordable, and comprehensive way to compile, document and organize your personal wishes and intentions related to end-of-life planning and planning for death, helping to ensure peace of mind for you and your loved ones.

Help Adult Children face Your End of Life

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Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with Parents
Aging

Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with Parents

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

Whether you plan ahead or you’re thrown into a situation due to a sudden health crisis, end-of-life conversations are never easy. Couple that with trying to initiate these conversations with your aging parents. End-of-Life talks can be excruciatingly delicate and sometimes difficult. One must simultaneously tread lightly, yet boldly. Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with Parents

Here are some basic guidelines to help prepare for these very important and personal discussions. Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with Parents

Start now Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with Parents

If you think it’s difficult to find the time today, it could be much harder. Imagine what it will be like trying to discuss end-of-life matters with your mom when she is gravely ill, incapacitated, or worse. Imagine what would happen if she were no longer here to have these conversations. In other words, don’t wait. Your parents are likely the healthiest they will be today.

Pick a comfortable spot, both mentally and physically

Do not bring your mother (or father) to the local Applebee’s to have this type of conversation. She does not want to discuss her personal matters while enjoying a meal in a restaurant. We suggest initiating this talk at your parents’ home, where they are most comfortable and it’s private.

Do your homework Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with Parents

Before initiating this meeting, prepare a list of questions to help your parent. We suggest referring to one of the many checklists in The LastingMatters Organizer. You may think of the basics (ie. whether they prefer a traditional graveyard burial or they wish to be cremated). However, you may be overlooking dozens of other considerations that you haven’t thought about.

Be straight and be clear

Ease into the conversations by first letting your parent(s) know that you honestly don’t want to broach end-of-life subjects. However, it is best for everyone involved to be prepared in advance for any kind of future life-changing event – incapacity, dementia or death. Remind them that a feeling of accomplishment comes from the knowledge that their affairs are in order. With their wishes articulated, affirm that their intentions will be honored. Help your parent(s) understand that these conversations are tough for all involved, but these conversations are also the right thing to do. Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with Parents

Give yourself, and your parents, a break

When discussing end-of-life matters with a loved one, often the biggest concern is how to make your parent(s) most comfortable in tackling these important decisions. This is not going to be a one time conversation and will take time for your parents to consider and organize their wishes. Take breaks from these discussions, but be sure to revisit topics. Continue to gather the information that will be needed, and wanted, when something happens. Easier said than done, right?

This is by no means an all-inclusive list, but it will help you ignite a conversation.

Initiating End-Of-Life Conversations with ParentsWhile you, and/or your parents, may have your own checklists, referring to The LastingMatters Organizer as a comprehensive tool and resource will make the task and the conversations easier.

If for any reason your parents choose not to engage in these conversations with you, you can simply ask them to quietly fill out the Organizer. The information they can provide you will be a gift to you in the future – when it matters most.

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Include Next Generation in Estate Planning Process
Estate Planning

Include Next Generation in Estate Planning Process

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

Include Next Generation in Estate Planning Process

Include Next Generation in Estate Planning ProcessIf you think you have run out of things to talk about with your adult kids, how about a worthwhile chat about incapacity and death? That’s certainly going to get their attention and a photo worthy reaction…usually a wide-eyed look that says “it’s time to head for the hills!” Include Next Generation in Estate Planning Process
We need, however, to ensure that our next of kin are fully prepared and understand what we want should we become incapacitated or die.
There are many things we can all do to help the next generation. Including your adult children in end of life conversations and the plans you are making for the future will surely benefit them. These “chats” can reduce, and perhaps even eliminate, the mountains of questions and issues that arise amongst family members if you are ever incapacitated and after your death.
Do you have a trusting relationship with your financial advisor and your estate attorney? Then it’s high time for those advisors to get to know your children for a variety of reasons, including, but not limited to, the avoidance of potential conflict when there is a life-changing event.
First, engaging your adult children in these important conversations and planning now about any potential future wealth transfer after your death will help the next generation by creating a trusting relationship between them and your trusted advisors.
Secondly, you have the opportunity while you are still alive and kicking to have those serious conversations about your wishes and your intentions so that your children are not “surprised” when the inevitable happens. Lack of knowledge and hidden surprises can stir up conflicts that might otherwise remain unearthed during an emotionally challenging time.
Thirdly, you have an opportunity to teach and educate each of your children about the responsibilities and jobs they will inherit when overseeing the closure and distribution of your estate – and all of the tasks that need to be addressed when wrapping up your financial and personal life.
The flow of assets, personal property, real estate, and privately held businesses will go to, for the most part, your children. Don’t you think it’s best to give them some training wheels and clear directions in handling all those tasks? Wouldn’t it be better to talk about the hurdles that they may someday be faced with? Including the next generation in family meetings and communications with your advisors will only serve to minimize upset during a time of tremendous stress and will ultimately benefit those you love and those who will be left behind to sort out your wishes.
If your children don’t know what you have, what you want, and where everything is located, you will be leaving them looking for many needles in many haystacks. And frankly, sometimes incapacity and death can bring out the worst in people.
You can change that outcome by introducing your children to your trusted advisors today and by including them in these very important and meaningful family planning discussions. A good financial advisor and good estate attorney will facilitate these significant conversations.
So don’t overlook the obvious – engage your kids in your decision making process today.
-Barbara Bates Sedoric

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