Caring for Dad Archives

Whether you saw it coming or not, caring for an aging parent can be a challenge. Your parent may have been on a gradual decline, giving you the opportunity to plan ahead and implement care strategies a little bit at a time; or your parent may have taken a fall and broken a hip, resulting in the need for immediate care.

Whatever the case, jumping into the role of caregiver can be overwhelming. What steps do you need to take to ensure your parent is properly cared for? How can you fit it into your already full life? Where can you turn for help?

Assess the Situation

Before you jump in head first, step back and decide what your parent needs. If your parent has his/her cognitive functioning intact, consult them to decide what type of care they would prefer and what is needed.

Some questions to consider:

Do they need short term or long term assistance? Even if this is a new injury, bear in mind that as we age, it takes longer to heal. Your parent may need help getting to physical therapy appointments, performing certain activities of daily living, etc. for more than a few weeks. I had a client who had a broken hip, that resulted in surgery and three months of recovery. Even after the three month recovery time, a year later, she still lamented about her challenges getting up and down stairs.
What type of assistance do they need? Do they need someone to assist with activities of daily living? Do they need food delivered? Do they need transportation to medical appointments or physical therapy?
Is their home suitable for them to age in place or do they need to make changes, or explore other housing options?
What is your budget? Are there funds available to tap into? If not, are there other family members who can assist and/or help cover costs?

Make a Plan

Once you’ve assessed the situation, you can develop a plan of action. Whether you need long- or short-term assistance, you will need to decide who will do what activities and how frequently. If you are working with siblings or other family members, you should consider all sitting down together to develop a schedule and plan. Just in case, you may want to refer to my sibling rivalry post before having your family meeting.

Here are some things you can do to make caregiving run smoother:

Create a shared calendar (Google offers free calendars that you can share) to post medical appointments, physical therapy appointments and any other transportation needs that will require a volunteer or service.
Decide who will handle researching services and benefits available to your parent and agree on a timeline.
Determine which tasks can be handled by family members and which tasks to outsource and set up a schedule. If you lay out all of the possibilities ahead of time and address expectations, there is less room for confusion and frustration later.
Decide how long you will need outside support and how much you will use. If you will be using outside support indefinitely, decide how you will ensure your parent is receiving proper care.
If your parent will ultimately need to move into an assisted living facility, work together to decide on timing and how to make the transition easier for your parent.

Common Caregiving Tasks to Discuss

Who is purchasing groceries and how frequently?
How will meals be handled? Will you use a service or will someone provide meals for your parent?
Who is hiring and overseeing hired caregivers? What are the expectations and how frequently will you use outside help? Who will pay?
Who is handling bill paying? How frequently will bills be paid and how will your parent can access funds for incidentals?
Who will handle cleaning/maintaining your parent’s home?
Who will handle transportation needs (either providing transportation or securing transportation)?
If your parent needs personal care (bathing, dressing, feeding), who will handle those tasks?

You will have many other tasks to consider, this is just a general list to get the ball rolling. If you are in need of long-term assistance, check out my resources page for links to benefits for seniors. Bear in mind that many services take several weeks to start, so the earlier you get the application submitted, the better.

If you are a long distance caregiver, or just don’t live close enough to visit your parents on a regular basis, you may not have enough time to evaluate how they are doing. Here are some ways to maximize your visits so that you get quality time but also check in on their ability to safely live independently. How to Maximize Home Visits with Aging Parents

Leave the House

This may sound like an odd suggestion, but I worked with many families who were very close and the adult children visited regularly, however, they had no idea that their parent had a hard time getting out of the house. Whether the parent had front steps that didn’t have a railing or were using a walker that couldn’t be maneuvered down the steps, there are many hazards that make it difficult for a person with mobility challenges to safely exit their home.

Even if your parent is homebound, being able to exit the home is critical to their safety. What if there is a fire? What if they forget about their limitation and try to go out for a walk. Are they able to exit and enter the house from all exits? You never know what situation could arise, so planning ahead can keep your parent safe.

This is also a great opportunity to evaluate your parent’s driving. Perhaps you ask them to drive you to the grocery store or bakery for a treat. Riding in the car with them will give you a better perspective of their driving ability.

Cook Together

You won’t just get to learn your mother’s special pasta sauce recipe, you’ll also be able to see if she is safely able to maneuver her kitchen. Does she have the heavy pots on a high shelf? Help her find a new, easier location to store them. Are the knobs on the stove difficult to turn on/off due to arthritis? Look into new knobs or a hack to help make it easier to use.

While you’re in the kitchen, check the refrigerator for old or expired food and the food supply, in general. Is the refrigerator bare? Why? Does your parent have a hard time getting out to shop or is he/she becoming forgetful about stocking necessities. I once worked with a woman who had dementia who bought soda every time we went to the store, but she never actually drank soda. She had six packs stacked in her pantry. Do you see any oddities that were never an issue before?

Do a little digging to find out why. It may be that your parent struggles with carrying groceries into the house, so isn’t able to buy much. You may want to consider setting up online grocery delivery, or at minimum, delivery of heavier pantry items.

Allow Them to Host You

Sometimes, when we see our parents looking more frail, our instinct is to jump in and do everything. It is a wonderful gesture, but the problem is, you can’t be sure of their capabilities if you don’t watch them operate independently in their own home. Let your parent set the table, turn off the stove, clear the table (with your help of course!).

Watch to see if they are struggling with any tasks. You may be able to come up with solutions together on how to simplify tasks or you may need to consider bringing help into their home.

Get One Step Ahead

While you’re there, look for safety risks or fall risks and work with your parent to address them. You can also take a look at the following household tasks that they may need help with:

Are there any burned out light bulbs? Change them while you are visiting so that your parent won’t attempt to do it on his/her own.
Is the season changing? If so, ask your parent if they have blankets or clothing that is stored up high that they may need help bringing down.
Are tall bookshelves strapped to the wall? You may want to consider using earthquake safety straps so that they are secure. If your parent trips and grabs a bookshelf to stop their fall, you want to be sure they are nicely secured to the wall and don’t come down on top of them.
If they are reaching for books or items on high shelves, make sure they have a sturdy step ladder with a handrail – and that they actually use it!
Have they suddenly be-friended someone new who seems to be over-involved in their lives? Do you notice money or valuables missing? Don’t just look for physical safety risks, evaluate their fraud risk as well.

What other things can you think of to make a pre-emptive “strike” to ensure your parent is making dangerous decisions?

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