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Resistant Parents Moving to a Senior Living Community
Housing Tips

Helping Parents Resisting A Move to Senior Living

by Jeff Dailey
written by Jeff Dailey

Helping Parents Resisting A Move to Senior Living

Three dos: Helping Parents Resisting A Move to Senior Living

  1. Resistant Parents Moving to a Senior Living CommunityUnderstand their perspective. Moving can be frightening. Remember when you first moved away to college or a new city? For aging parents, moving to a senior living community is a big change and an even bigger step out of their comfort zone. By empathizing with their situation, you are better able to approach the experience from their perspective. Moving to a Senior Living Community and Dealing Resistant Parents
  2. Emphasize your aging loved ones’ health. Make it readily known that the well being of your aging parent is your top priority. If you are concerned about his or her health, eating habits, or social interactions, reiterate your intentions and focus on the positive benefits a move to a senior living community can have on his or her quality of life.
  3. Find a place that fits. Research. Research. Research. One of the most important aspects of helping an aging parent move from his or her current home to a retirement community is making the move appealing. Maybe your parent is looking for a place with plenty of activities and events or perhaps he or she will not consider moving to a community without a beautiful garden and plenty of walking space. Consider these important factors for your parent when researching senior living options. After researching and identifying a senior living community your parent is interested in, plan a visit and ask as many questions during the visit and tour as it takes for your parent to feel comfortable.

Three don’ts:

  1. Be negative. Your parent will be less than enthused about a potential move to a senior living community if your focus is on the negative reasons for the move. Emphasize this is an opportunity to make new friends, instead of focusing on how the community may be in a different neighborhood than his or her current home. Remind your aging parent or loved one that he or she will have chef-prepared meals, instead of criticizing his or her current eating habits. Focusing on the positive aspects of a retirement community move is a great way to reframe the conversation.
  2. Make quick decisions. It is important to start the conversation about moving to a senior living community early. A gradual adjustment to a new reality is always better than a rushed decision. Give your aging loved one plenty of time to acclimate him or herself to the possibility of moving to a new home. While the process may take longer, you will find the experience much more enjoyable for your aging loved one.
  3. Go unsupported. Helping your aging parent move to a senior living community is a team effort. Whether you enlist the help of your siblings, extended family members, or friends, display a united front to let your aging parent know everyone he or she cares about also cares about him or her. Have any of your aging parent’s friends recently moved to a senior living community? Use their experience to display senior living in a positive light with a personal touch.

If your aging loved one is not immediately open to a senior living community move, it does not mean he or she will never embrace the idea, it just may take a little bit more time to assuage concerns. Above all, you want your aging loved one to know you are acting with his or her best health and interests in mind.

Author Brian Fawkes
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What NOT to Say to Senior Parents
Life Lessons

What NOT to Say to Senior Parents

by Kimberly Johnson
written by Kimberly Johnson

What NOT to Say to Senior Parents

What NOT to Say to Senior ParentsTaking care of senior parents is not easy, so it’s normal to become frustrated sometimes. The problem is that the frustration can sometimes take over our choice of words. This is when we say things that we probably shouldn’t, and that causes some relationship issues that make the situation worse. The following are some of the things you probably shouldn’t say, even out of frustration. It’s hoped that by having this fresh in your mind, it will help you preserve your relationship. What NOT to Say to Senior Parents

#1: Don’t you remember?!

It’s likely your parents do not remember it, and probably not a lot of other things. When people say this, it’s almost saying the person is inadequate for not remembering.
It’s better to say, “Let me tell you what happened.” You can also just take the queue from the confused look on your parent’s face and go ahead and clue him/her in.

#2: Don’t say you can’t because you can. You just need to try.

I know…you’ve probably said it and you didn’t really intend on it turning out the way it did. It’s okay. The good thing about life is that you can move on with new knowledge and make different choices in the future.
What you can say instead is, “Why don’t we do it together?” or “Let me help you.” You can then gauge how much he/she can do and step back if he/she needs less help.

#3: Ugh…I just showed you yesterday. Here…I’ll show you AGAIN.

You may have showed your senior parent countless times how to use the remote, but he/she still doesn’t get it. It’s okay because that’s normal. Taking the time to teach them again means that you’re teaching him/her a little more each time.
What might be good to try is to write down the instructions. This way your parent can refer to it when needed.

#4: That has nothing to do with what I just said.

Seniors often have a difficult time focusing on conversations. Sometimes, they want to say something before they forget, which means it could be out of context. Try to go with the flow and if possible, bring up what you were trying to talk to him/her about later on in the day.

#5: You already told me that story a billion times.

Many people (not just seniors) have a hard time remembering who they told what. Seniors, especially those with dementia, have a more difficult time.
Instead of telling your parent he/she already told you, it’s better to say, “Oh yes, I remember. That was so funny!” You can also just go ahead and listen. Patience is a virtue.

#6: This is what I want when you die.

Some people don’t see anything wrong with saying this, and some even see it as a compliment. However, it does hurt some seniors to hear that loved ones are waiting for them to die. It’s best to keep this to yourself, even if you are coming from a good place with it.

Let Go of Guilt and Move On

If you’ve said any of these statements, don’t worry. Do not beat yourself up over it. We are all human and as humans, we make mistakes. Learn from those mistakes and live a better life.
As a personal consultant, I often help caregivers deal with senior parents. If you need help, please contact Kendall Van Blarcom for a personal consulting session. He can help you and your senior get along and make this stage of life an enjoyable one for both of you.
Kendall Van Blarcom
www.KvanB.com

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Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad
Caregiving

Helping Elderly Parents Who Don't Want Help

by Kimberly Johnson
written by Kimberly Johnson

Helping Elderly Parents Who Don’t Want Help

Helping Elderly Parents Who Don't Want HelpThis is common. Many parents are quite independent. They want to do things on their own for as long as they are moving around. The problem is that for some people, there comes a time when moving around and doing tasks that were easy before become more difficult. Even so, many seniors do not want the help. They feel like if they give up one thing, they will have to give up something else. While you know that probably isn’t the case, your parent is fearful. Understanding how to help your elderly parents who don’t want help can make this situation much better for you and your mom/dad. Helping Elderly Parents Who Don’t Want Help

Suggest Help

When you are with your parent and you see he/she is struggling, you can offer to help. You may say, “Can I do anything for you?” or “Would you like me to get that pan for you?”
The most important part of asking is to make sure you don’t point out he/she can’t do something. You are merely helping, not doing.

Help before It’s Needed

You don’t have to say anything to help your loved one. You can simply just do it. For example, if you know your parent has a hard time cooking, bring over a meal. Don’t say anything about him/her not being able to cook, just do it as if it was something nice you wanted to do. If you see the kitchen needs a good wipe down, go ahead and do it while you’re talking to him/her. These little tasks you do may not seem like much, but they are helpful and appreciated as long as it doesn’t seem you are doing it because he/she can’t do it.

Back Off When Asked

There will be times when you’ll overstep your boundaries, but don’t worry, your parent will likely tell you quickly. Don’t argue about it, but instead, just take a step back. If you need to, supervise what he/she is doing. This will keep your parent safe because you can always take over if something terrible happens. Just don’t jump too early because you’re nervous something is about to happen.

Understand You May Not Get a Thank You

You may not get a thank you. Helping elderly parents who don’t want help means you’ll be doing something they don’t want to do. Even if they know they can’t do it, it still doesn’t feel good for them. Understand that this has nothing to do with you. It’s just hard for them to accept. Thank and reward yourself as you care for your parent and there may be a time you may hear those two magic words.

Need Some More Help?

If you need some more help with this situation, please book a session with personal consultant Kendall Van Blarcom. He has a patient ear and will help you come up with ways to help your parents even when they don’t want the help.
If you’re a senior citizen who doesn’t want help, but your daughter/son wants to help, you are invited to contact Kendall as well. He can help you work with your daughter/son to preserve the relationship.
Kendall Van Blarcom
www.KvanB.com

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Ask an Expert: 5 Tactics for Dementia Caregiving
Caregiving

Healthy Boundaries When Caregiving

by Kimberly Johnson
written by Kimberly Johnson

Healthy Boundaries When Caregiving

Healthy Boundaries When CaregivingCaregiving is a selfless job. You provide support to someone who desperately needs it from you. You give, give, give and give some more. However, when does that giving get to be too much? When does the giving cross boundaries? Healthy Boundaries When Caregiving

Why Crossing Boundaries Is Bad

The reason crossing boundaries is bad is because it can burn someone out quickly. This can make them overly tired, grumpy, and resentful. It can also lead to illness. Usually, this is because the person puts the other person’s needs before his/her own. This just leads them to feeling worse than what the person receiving caregiving felt before.
“Over attachment” is something caregivers and seniors need to pay attention to when they are in a situation such as this one. It’s not healthy because each of them depend on one another. When something happens and they are not able to be around each other, there’s a feeling of loss. It is incredibly bad when this happens and the senior passes. The caregiver is left feeling as though all that he/she was living for is gone.

How to Establish and Maintain Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining boundaries isn’t as difficult as you may think. You will need time away for yourself regularly. This time should not be committed to something else such as work, family, or friends. It needs to be time in which you can reflect and recharge. You may spend this time doing something you enjoy such as painting, drawing, or some other hobby. It might be time to write in a journal, scrapbook, or just read. This time should be solely for you, so you know how to spend quality time with yourself.
When you first start doing this, you will feel weird. You will feel as though there is something missing. You may even feel guilty. This feeling is normal and it is a sign that you were becoming overly attached. Give yourself time to adjust. Do it for as long as you can, and then go back to life as you normally live it. As you do it more, the break will start to feel better. Over time, you will start to enjoy it, and you may even get to a point where you will look forward to it. Yes, it doesn’t seem as though that is possible right now, but it really is…
Once you have established boundaries, the next obstacle to overcome is maintaining them. Things will come up that will make it difficult to keep those boundaries intact. You may feel as though you are being pulled in many different directions, and giving up your time will feel as though that is the easiest option. Do not allow yourself to do that. You don’t need to give yourself up. It’s best to find some other way to deal with the situation, so you still get your time. If that means you have to say no sometimes, or have someone step in and take care of your loved one, that’s okay. You do not have to feel guilty about it. You are taking care of your loved one, but you’re also taking care of yourself.

Need More Help?

If you feel as though you have a lack of boundaries with your loved one as a caregiver, but you can’t see yourself establishing boundaries and maintaining them, consider turning to a personal consultant. Kendall Van Blarcom is a professional personal consultant who can help you improve your life as a caregiver, so you can continue to love what you do for your loved one. Contact him now for more information on how personal consulting can help you through some of the struggles that are common for caregivers.
Kendall Van Blarcom
www.KvanB.com

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Understanding Long-Term Care Costs
Caregiving

Understanding Long Term Care Costs

by Kimberly Johnson
written by Kimberly Johnson

Understanding Long-Term Care Costs

Understanding Long Term Care Costs

Don’t let Long Term Care Costs Surprise Your Family

There are important realities to understanding long term care costs. Long term care is more expensive than most people think. And, most importantly, the cost of care is usually paid for out of savings and income. Understanding Long-Term Care Costs
About 70 percent of people turning 65 can expect to need some kind of long-term care as they age. A number of public programs, including Medicare and Medicaid, may help pay for some long-term care services under certain circumstances. However, each program has specific rules about what services are covered, how long you can receive benefits, whether or not you qualify for benefits, and how much you have to pay in out-of-pocket costs. To accurately plan for your long-term care needs, it is very important to know the facts about what may or may not be covered. Understanding Long-Term Care Costs

MEDICARE FOCUSES ON ACUTE CARE COSTS

Medicare covers medically necessary care and focuses on medical acute care, such as doctor visits, drugs and hospital stays. If very specific conditions are met, Medicare will help pay for all or a portion of a short stay in a skilled nursing facility, hospice care or home health care.
Medicare does not cover custodial long-term care services. These services and supports help people perform Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) that are non-medical, such as getting in and out of bed, walking, bathing, dressing, eating, and bowel and bladder management. Understanding Long-Term Care Costs

MEDICAID ONLY AVAILABLE IF INCOME AND ASSETS ARE LOW ENOUGH

Medicaid is a joint federal and state government program that helps people with low income and assets pay for some or all of their health care bills. It covers medical care, long-term care services in nursing homes and long-term care services provided at home. Rules about who is eligible for Medicaid benefits and what services are covered are based on federal requirements, but states have considerable leeway in how they operate their programs.
To be eligible for Medicaid, you must meet certain requirements, including having income and assets that do not exceed the levels used by your state. The Medicaid eligibility process considers the value of your home to make sure it is under the state set limit, your assets and your income. Documentation from your financial institutional “looking back” five years will be required. Once your state determines you are financially eligible for Medicaid, the state will conduct a functional assessment to determine whether you are disabled enough to qualify for long term care services. Your state Medicaid Assistance office is the best source for information about how to qualify for Medicaid in your state and if you qualify for long term care services.
If you receive Medicaid coverage for long term care services, federal law requires states to recover the amount Medicaid spent on your behalf from your estate after you die. Most states recover the cost of long term care services.

PAYING OUT-OF-POCKET FOR CARE

If you have enough income and savings, you will need to pay for long-term care services on your own, from your incomes, savings and, possibly, the equity in your home. Many people believe wrongly the medical insurance or disability insurance they currently have will pay for all or much of their long-term care. In general, health insurance covers only very limited and specific types of long-term care. Disability policies serve to replace income and, as such, do not cover long-term care at all.
Long-term care insurance is designed to cover long-term services and supports. Policies reimburse policyholders a daily amount (up to a pre-selected limit) for services to assist them with activities of daily living, such as bathing, dressing or eating. You can then select a range of care options and benefits that allow you to get the services you need, where you need them. If you are in poor health or already receiving long-term care services, you may not qualify for long-term care insurance.
For more information about additional methods of paying for long-term care, including reverse mortgages, annuities and trusts, visit www.longtermcare.gov. Understanding Long-Term Care Costs

CALCULATING THE COST

Because there are many kinds of long-term care services and supports, there is a wide range of costs depending on the type of care needed, duration of care needed, provider you choose and where you live. Some average costs for long-term care in the United States (in 2010) were:

  • $19 per hour for homemaker services
  • $21 per hour for a home health aide
  • $67 per day for services in an adult day health care center
  • $3,293 per month for care in an assisted living facility (for a one-bedroom unit)
  • $205 per day or $6,235 per month for a semi-private room in a nursing home
  • $229 per day or $6,965 per month for a private room in a nursing home

Calculate the cost of care in your area by visiting http://longtermcare.gov/costs-how-to-pay/costs-of-care-in-your-state/.

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Providing Senior Care for a Friend or Neighbor
Life Lessons

Struggle with Allowing Someone to Care for You

by Jeff Dailey
written by Jeff Dailey

The Struggle with Allowing Someone to Care for You

Struggle with Allowing Someone to Care for YouYou would never think you would have such a hard time accepting help. All of these years, you’ve probably asked for help or just wished someone would come along who would help you. However, now that you have someone at your beck and call, you hate it. You just want to be left alone, so you can do what you need to do. Struggle with Allowing Someone to Care for You
The problem is that sometimes, you know you can’t do what you want to do. You’ve tried to do everything on your own, but you’re making more and more mistakes. It’s so hard!
While you could turn to your loved one for help, you have this feeling that it’s going to be the beginning of the end of your independence. You don’t want to give that up. It’s too troubling.
So what do you do?
It’s time to come to terms with what is going on in this stage of life.
You don’t have to relinquish everything. You have a lot of independence still inside of you, so you should take advantage of it. That does not mean you shouldn’t ask for help.
When you ask for help, you aren’t asking for someone to do everything for you. What you are asking for is someone to come in and do something you are not able to do right now.

When Help Wants to Do Everything

Some people do have a tendency to take over when they are asked for help. Instead of asking what you need, the person just steps in and does everything. This can be quite frustrating!
How you can control this is by asking for help with something specifically. For example, you can say, “Can you please place this big pot of water on the stove for me?” That’s it. You aren’t asking for that person to cook for you, or do anything else. You’re just asking to have the pot moved.
Now, if that person takes it upon him/herself to do more, you can then interject and say, “No, no, it’s okay I can do the rest.” You don’t have to say it in a way that will hurt the person’s feelings. You can just state a fact.
If this doesn’t seem like something you can say, you can always distract the person with something else you need help with such as, “Can you instead set the table for me?” or “Can you run to store for some more butter?” By giving the person a task, you end up freeing yourself from the unsolicited help, and you end up getting even more out of the deal – something you actually do need help with at the time.

Why People Don’t Get It

People have a hard time believing you still have the mental and physical capacity to do a lot of things yourself. They see the changes in you from aging, and they take what they’ve read and seen in society and place them on you. It’s not right, but it really does come from a good place.
Try these suggestions. If they don’t work, or you feel as though you still can’t ask for help at all, you may want to consider asking for help from a personal consultant like Kendall Van Blarcom. He can help you figure out what you can do about this situation, so you can start to feel better about it all.
Kendall Van Blarcom
www.kvanb.com

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Live in Companions for seniors
Age-In-Place

Live in Companions for Seniors

by Jeff Dailey
written by Jeff Dailey

Live in Companions for Seniors

Live In Caregivers at Home

Live in Companions for seniorsMany aging seniors are not willing to leave home for an assisted living placement. Often, a health crisis must occur before they agree to placement. We cannot blame them; home is their security and freedom. Home is a familiar place where they feel comfort and joy. Naturally, when we give them choices, whether to live in an assisted home community or stay at their home by themselves, they choose the latter. Live-in Companionship
However, when children have their own lives to live, leaving aging seniors by themselves creates worry and stress. Hiring a live-in companion is an ideal solution.

The Responsibilities of a Live-In

The responsibilities of a live-in companion may vary depending on the elders need. Generally, a live-in companion provides assistance on ADL’s (activity of daily living), meal preparation, home maintenance, laundry and running errands. Live in Companions for Seniors

The Advantages of Senior Care at Home with a Live-In

Hiring a live-in companion has several advantages over assisted living placement.

  • Seniors will enjoy the benefit of staying home. This setting will personally benefit the seniors. They are able to stay in their own house, and enjoy living near family and friends. Also, they are able to eat meals according to their liking. With a live-in companion, you are able to receive one- on- one assistance and care as oppose to care being provided for group settings where you have limited choices.
  • Family members can participate in care giving. Aging parents need their family’s love and support. With your family member around or near you, you are able to participate in care giving. Giving them a few hours of your time is a perfect way of expressing your love and appreciation to them.
  • Live-in caregivers are cost effective. Many think live-in caregivers are an expensive option since board and lodging will be provided. Yet, a live-in companion is reported to be cheaper than the cost of assisted living placement or long term care facility. Also, this setting is flexible. If assistance is not necessarily in 24/7 basis, you can have your own schedule to benefit both the caregiver and the recipient.
  • Live-in caregivers develop trust. The continuity of a live-in foster’s trust. When you are away from home, you will not worry about your parents because you know they are in good hands.
    Home care minimizes exposure to contagious illnesses. In senior’s facility, there are groups of people who share common places like dining. There your loved one may be exposed to possible contagious diseases. If they are living at home their exposure can be minimized.
  • A live-in companion for your aging parent has a great advantage in comparison to the assisted living placement. However, it is not an ideal option for elders who have chronic or complicated health issues.

Author: Yvonne Stutzke, R.N.
http://www.nightingaleprivatecare.com

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Tax Benefits of Caregiving of Aging Relative
Caregiving

Taking Care of the Caregiver

by Jeff Dailey
written by Jeff Dailey

 

Taking Care of the Caregiver

Taking Care of Caregiver“In case of a loss in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from above…. Please be sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.” If you’ve flown on an airplane in the last few decades, you’ve heard this speech. It illustrates the truth that you have to take care of yourself in order to care effectively for others. Taking Care of the Caregiver
Are you caring for aging parents, young children, a relative who is ill, or some combination of the above? You know how challenging it can be to find the time to take care of yourself–body, mind and spirit.
And, if you don’t take care of yourself, you are setting yourself up for caregiver burnout. Symptoms include depression, anxiety, irritability, difficulty sleeping, fatigue, trouble concentrating, deteriorating health, and resentment toward those you’re caring for.
Here are five ways to help stay centered and at peace while you care for others:

Ask for help

Don’t be shy about telling family and friends how they can assist you. Delegate caregiving tasks such as helping with groceries and errands. Look into respite care— adult day care services or paid or volunteer in-home helpers may be available through local agencies. Develop a cooperative childcare arrangement with other caregivers and take turns getting away.

Practice Acceptance

When dealing with a family member’s illness, you may have struggled to make sense of the situation and asked, “Why!” You’ll feel better if you focus on best ways to respond to the situation. Try to see a silver lining—how you are growing as a person, the opportunity to express love…

Care for Your Health

Nutritious foods including fruits and vegetables help keep your energy steady. Go easy on sweets and caffeine that give a quick pickup followed by a crash. Try for at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. It boosts your energy, relieves stress, lifts your mood and helps you sleep better. Relaxation is important: A few minutes of yoga or meditation in a stressful day can help you stay centered. Remember your own medical exams and appointments!

Find a Support Group

Talking with others having similar experiences is a tried and true way to maintain emotional balance— and an opportunity to share knowledge and practical tips. You’re not alone! Find a group through your doctor or hospital, or through an organization dedicated to the relevant disease or situation. Online groups are also available.

Take a break!

For at least a half hour daily, do what you love, whether it’s reading poetry, working in the yard, or watching the game. Get out of the house; if you can’t get out, invite friends in. Share your feelings–just expressing what you’re going through brings a lot of relief. Find ways to pamper yourself. Light candles and take a bubble bath. Put on music and dance. Get a manicure.
A reflexology session is also an excellent way to nurture yourself. Reflexology sessions include techniques to calm the nervous system, help eliminate toxins and encourage the release of endorphins, natural “feel-good” hormones. From the moment a reflexologist’s hands start their work, relaxation begins. And it feels great!
For more tips click here
Laura Norman, M.S., LMT, world-renowned Holistic Reflexologist and author of the best-selling book, Feet First: A Guide to Foot Reflexology, offers private Reflexology and Life Wellness Coaching sessions in Delray Beach and Holistic Reflexology Training Programs in Boynton Beach.

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Better Ways to Help a Senior as a Caregiver
Caregiving

Better Ways to Help a Senior as a Caregiver

by Jeff Dailey
written by Jeff Dailey

Better Ways to Help a Senior as a Caregiver

Better Ways to Help a Senior as a CaregiverI was speaking to a client the other day who was quite frustrated with her elderly mother. She can see her mother is having a difficult time making decisions, but when she tries to help, her mother becomes upset. This then can lead to an argument that keeps them from talking for days. When they finally do start talking, there’s an awkwardness. This can then sometimes lead to another argument that ends up causing the relationship to suffer.
As I was talking to this particular client, I realized that it wasn’t exactly the advice the caregiver was giving that made her mother upset. It was the way she was giving that advice or help.
Once we discussed this, we were able to start discussing some better ways to approach giving help or advice.
Some of the approach we came up with were:

Suggestions vs. Commands

My client often gave advice by saying, “Don’t do it that way. Do it this way.” This immediately made her mother feel defensive, so she retaliated.
A better way to approach it is by saying, “You could do it this way.” or “The other day, I did it this way, and it helped.”
These suggestions will not make mother feel as though she is being given an order. They make her feel like she is getting ideas on how to do things better.

More Talking

One of the concerns my client had was she doesn’t really talk with her mother anymore. All she really does is tell her what to do and how to do things. This lack of communication could be wearing on their relationship, which makes it sensitive when she does approach her mother with something that needs to be done.
By taking time to engage in conversations with her mother, she is able to not only build a stronger relationship with her, but can help her make better decisions. As her mother discusses what she has to do, she usually comes up with ideas with the help of her daughter.

Waiting to Be Needed

Another problem my client brought up was that her mother always seemed to push back when she tried to help. Even when she took her arm to help across an even part of the ground, her mother shook her arm free from her.
It’s good to understand that many elderly people do not want to feel as though they are completely dependent on others. They want to be able to do as much as they can independently, and then ask for assistance if they can’t do something.
It’s best to back off and just be there in case your help is needed, instead of imposing your help. This is what my client came up with as we were talking. After she did this, she found that it was much easier to help her mother when she needed it.
If you find yourself in the same situation as my client, you may want to try these tips. If they don’t seem to help, consider booking an appointment with me – personal consultant Kendall Van Blarcom. I am a senior helping seniors and their caregivers. I can help you have a better relationship with your aging parent, so you can both enjoy the time you spend together.
Kendall Van Blarcom
www.kvanb.com

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