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Dealing with Narcissistic Older Parent
Life Lessons

Dealing with Narcissistic Older Parent

by Kendall VanBlarcom
written by Kendall VanBlarcom

We don’t choose who are parents are, and for some of us, we end up with parents who didn’t exactly show us the love, support, and compassion we deserved growing up. As they grow older, those parents can come back and want to be helped. As much as you may not want to help them, you know you should. So what do you do? Do you just stay quiet and do what you feel you need to do? Or do you turn around and walk the other way? Dealing with Narcissistic Older Parent
Well, the decision is yours to make, and one decision doesn’t mean you can’t make a decision later.
With caregiving, there is a fair amount of guilt and resentment that builds – even for parents who are not narcissistic. It’s a lot of work taking care of another human being who is an adult and often times stuck in his/her ways. There are days you will be exhausted, frustrated, and utterly burned out. Dealing with Narcissistic Older Parent
Let’s not forget there are benefits to caregiving too. These benefits are what you probably are holding onto right now as you are considering taking care of your parents. Dealing with Narcissistic Older Parent
Let’s put it out there and say that you probably want a good relationship with your parent. You haven’t received what you’ve wanted yet, but you’re hoping that someday you will. A part of you thinks that if you do this, you will receive that love, support, and comfort that you never got in the first place.
One of the biggest mistakes people make with caregiving is having expectations. When people have expectations, they usually end up disappointed. Usually…..not always.
This is why sometimes, it’s okay to try the caregiving for a little while. If you find you are not getting what you need to continue providing care without harming yourself and your personal life, you can always make other arrangements.

When You Have No Choice

Some people feel as though they have no choice but to provide caregiving services to their older parent. They may not have money to pay for services, or they feel way too guilty not to do it themselves. What do these people do in this case?

  • Treat it as a job. Just as you are not happy with your job all of the time, do what you need to do, and keep moving. The more emotionally invested you are in it, the worse it will feel. Just do, and try not to feel.
  • Ask for help from friends and family. Try not to take all of the care yourself. It’s too much for one person, and you will get through this time in your life much easier if you have help. Reach out and take the help people offer.
  • Talk to friends and family about how you feel. As much as you try not to feel, you will likely end up feeling some way. It’s best to vent it to get it out of your way. As you become accustomed to caring for your parent, it will be easier for you to let it go on your own.
  • Reach out to a personal consultant. A personal consultant is just like a friend or family member. You can call him on the phone, talk about everything to get it all out and even problem solve your situation. After a session, you’ll feel as though you have a new perspective on life and caregiving. This can help you move forward with positivity.

Contact Kendall Van Blarcom today for a personal consulting session. He can help you with this situation, so you can feel better about what you are dealing with as you decide to or not to care for your older narcissistic parent.

Dealing with Narcissistic Older Parent

 

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Caregiving

Sharing Caregiving With Siblings

by Kathy Macaraeg
written by Kathy Macaraeg

Does your parent suddenly need care and you and your siblings are struggling with how to manage caregiving duties? While it can be difficult to figure out a system that will work for your family, once you create a plan that includes everyone, the burden will be lighter for all involved.

Define the Caregiving Tasks

Let’s face it. There is always going to be one sibling who lives closer or has more free time – or makes more free time – who will take the leadership role. That doesn’t mean that person has to do everything all alone. If you don’t stop to figure out what needs to be done, you’ll always be plugging holes. So, right now, stop and make a list of everything that needs to be done for your parent.

Here are some ideas you may forget about. It doesn’t mean that the person responsible has to actually do the task, but they need to be in charge of hiring a provider and overseeing the tasks.

  • Schedule appointments
  • Research providers and manage application processes
  • Review and pay medical bills
  • Track medical situation
  • Manage housekeeping
  • Manage meals
  • Manage grocery shopping
  • Handle finances
  • Provide transportation or find a transportation provider and oversee the service
  • Manage personal care (including hair appointments and personal care needs)

 

Depending on your parent, there may be much more, including social activities. While maintaining your parent’s social life seems like something that should be relegated to the bottom of the to do list, remember that loneliness in the elderly can cause a host of physical and emotional problems.

Choose Your Caregiver Roles

This is the hard part. Everyone wants to take on the “easy” tasks like booking appointments or managing meal services, but you’ll all need to do some of the dirty work. The good news is, many hands equals less work for all.

Sit down together and realistically discuss what each of you can handle. If someone lives far away, make that person handle the research and financial tasks. While research may not seem time-consuming, trust me, it is. There isn’t a one-stop spot to find all of the services available and the application process for many government programs can be extremely time-consuming with many phone calls and follow-up.

An example of a workable responsibility split is, if there are two siblings who live close to your parents and one who lives farther away, the sibling who is farther away handles finances and research and one of the close siblings handles grocery shopping and meal preparation while the other handles transportation to medical and dental appointments and personal errands. Consider your schedules and other responsibilities and find ways to make it work for everyone.

If you all work full-time and can’t take time away from work, decide how much your parent and each of you can contribute to fund outsourcing services. I have also known families who pay the family member with the lowest income to quit their job and become the caregiver.

Caregiver Communication

If you can, decide on roles from the start so that there isn’t confusion, balls aren’t dropped and no one is stuck scrambling at the last minute. While you are deciding on roles, also decide how you will all communicate caregiving updates.

Will you share a Google drive account so that appointments are all on a master calendar and you can share a contact sheet? Will you exchange information via email, phone or text? Will you have a binder at your parent’s house with all of the details? It doesn’t matter how you share the information, it is just important that you have a consistent system so that anyone can find what they need easily.

You will also need to discuss how you will handle big decisions such as when to hire a caregiver, whether your parent should live alone, medical care, etc. I worked with a family who handled big decisions like a business. They would discuss the pros and cons and vote. Of course, there were three of them so they always had a tie-breaker.

There is no right or wrong way to work together for your parent’s care. Do what works best for your family. And remember, you are family. While it can be difficult working together and old rivalries tend to resurface, remind yourself that you are family and are doing this for your loved one. There will come a time when your services will no longer be needed and your siblings will be the family you have left. This is a season of your lives that you are all living through together.

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What is Mom's Password?
Fraud & Security

What is Mom’s Password?

by Barbara Bates Sedoric
written by Barbara Bates Sedoric

Let’s face it. We live in a sophisticated, technologically driven world whether we like it or not. Like most things in life, that happens to be both good and bad news. What is Mom’s Password?

But with technology comes passwords, usernames, and PIN numbers. Not only are we instructed to keep these in a “safe” place, we are challenged with the task, on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, of remembering what password goes with what. What is Mom’s Password?

So how do we keep all our passwords and usernames straight while we gracefully age and our short term memories grow a bit dimmer with each passing day?

Digital assets may be important to access in order to retrieve information, secure your data, or to turn off your accounts when you die. Without the benefit of your usernames and passwords, this becomes a very complex and difficult task for your loved ones.

Consider the following:

Smartphones, voicemail, Apps, home computers, Ipads, Tablets, Kindles, office computers, On-line banking, investments, Paypal, alarm systems, cable companies, ATM, photo sharing accounts, social networks , dating sites, on-line shopping accounts, etc., etc., etc.

Each of these has a password or username or PIN that will be required in order to gain access.
It’s hard enough remembering them when you are the person who set up those passwords. Now think about what happens when you die!

  1. Do you have your passwords written down and stored in a safe place?
  2. Do your loved ones know that you have actually made a list and know where it is hidden?
  3. Have you purchased one of those Apps that takes care of storing your passwords? Even so, someone needs to “know” that you have a password storage App and will need to “know” the password in order to get into your password storage account when you become incapacitated or when you die.

 

Digital databases are a part of our financial lives. It is very important to think this through and prepare for “when” your loved ones will need access to your digital accounts. Planning for end-of-life will save your family time and reduce stress and frustration when closing down your digital afterlife.

http://www.LastingMatters.com

What is Mom’s Password?

What is Mom’s Password?

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How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent
Caregiving

How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent

by Kendall VanBlarcom
written by Kendall VanBlarcom

If you have an aging parent, it’s normal to be worried about their health. Moreover, if you recently stepped into the role of the caregiver for a parent with a health issue, you’ve also become their health advocate–whether you realize it or not.

It’s important to take your role for your parent seriously. Here are 5 ways you can be the best health advocate for your senior.

5 Tips to Being an Awesome Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent

1. Prepare for Appointments

When you have an aging parent, you’ll want to prepare for doctor’s appointments ahead of time. How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent
A few weeks before taking your parent to an appointment, begin talking with them about how they’ve been feeling. Be sure to ask if anything is bothering them or causing them pain. How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent
This will help you get more information since everyone is in a relaxed setting and has time to think.
Additionally, write down questions, concerns, problems, or new symptoms. That way you can remember important issues and any details that you want to bring up during the appointment.

2. Take Notes

No matter how hard you try, it’s pretty impossible to keep everything the doctor says in your head. It’s even harder to try to remember all that was mentioned down the road months later To be an awesome health advocate for your aging parent, you’ll need to take notes at each appointment. This will help you and your senior understand why certain decisions were made or what the doctor said.

3. Keep Everyone on the Same Page

When the doctor answers questions, make sure you and your parent both understand what’s being said. This will help to keep everyone on the same page. Never be afraid to ask, “what does this or that mean exactly?”

After all, a big part of a doctor’s job is to make sure the patient and the patient’s family understand and are kept in the loop. So, don’t be embarrassed to keep asking questions until you really understand your senior, their doctor, and their health. If you don’t speak up and ask, the doctor will simply assume that you already know.

4. Understand All Options

Many aging adults or seniors live with chronic health conditions. In order to be a good health advocate for your parent, you’ll need to not only clearly understand the condition, but also the treatment options and the side effects.

This will help keep your aging parent in better overall health. Here are some key questions you can ask about current or future treatments, in order to be able to fully grasp all the info:

  • What is or will be the added benefit of this treatment?
  • What are the possible side effects of the treatment?
  • Will the treatment affect my parent’s ability to function independently?
  • What are the possibilities or consequences if we choose not to do this treatment?

5. Ask For a Full Medication Review Annually

As a health advocate for you aging parent, you should ask the doctor to do a full medication review, at least once a year. This will check to see if all the medications are working well together. Additionally, it will help to ensure that the medications are being taken at the right times and in the right combinations, and if they’re all still necessary. The best way to prepare for a full medication review is to bring the actual bottles of everything your parent takes. This includes more than just prescriptions. You’ll also want to bring in non-prescription drugs and vitamins. How do you help your aging parent maintain their health? Tell us your tips and tricks in the comments! How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent

How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent

How to Be a Health Advocate for Your Aging Parent

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Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad
Caregiving

Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad

by Richard Bitner
written by Richard Bitner

More Americans than ever before now act as family caregivers for their aging parents. At least 35 million people are expected to provide unpaid care to someone over the age of 50 in 2017. This workload falls hardest on adult children who are tasked caring for their moms and their dads. Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad
Because caregiving means more time with mom or dad, many family caregivers believe that it also means more quality time with mom or dad. Unfortunately, more time doesn’t equal more quality time when you’re a family caregiver. Instead, acting as a family caregiver often leads to a kind of caregiving paradox. Even though you’re spending more time with your mom or dad, the amount of quality time you enjoy actually decreases.
The good news? It’s possible to reclaim those cherished moments with your mom or dad. Here’s how.

More Time Doesn’t Equal More Quality Time

There are a number of ways that caregiving can have a negative impact on the amount of quality time adult children spend with their elderly parents.
Most obviously, caregiving impacts how you spend time with your loved one. Many caregiving activities actually limit one-on-one interaction. If you’re doing mom’s laundry, she might be the focus of your time, but you aren’t having a close conversation. If you’re running to the grocery store or pharmacy for dad, you might be caring for him, but you’re not sharing the same space.
Caregiving also changes when you’re spending time with your parent and how that time fits into your schedule. On a regular visit, you can make the trip whenever it’s convenient. But if you’re acting as a caregiver, when you visit is primarily based around your parent’s needs. This can create serious knots in your schedule, increase your time spent commuting, and impact your stress levels on visits.
Crucially, caregiving can have a negative effect on child-parent relationships. Adult children who act as unpaid caregivers for their parents often become overstressed, overworked, and overwhelmed. Many find it difficult to grapple with the upended roles. Often, children feel like they have to parent their own mom or dad. This can lead to feelings of resentment, making it difficult for you and your parent to enjoy time in one another’s company.

Reclaim Quality Time with Your Loved One

Have you found that caring for your mom or dad has made it harder for you to spend quality time with them? This doesn’t have to be the case. There are strategies and resources that you can use to create more one-on-one time and make the time you spend together more enjoyable.
These include:

  • Mindfulness strategies can help you cope with the stress that caregiving creates, making it easier to enjoy the time that you spend with your mom or dad.
  • Caregiver support groups give you a community where you can lean on the assistance and encouragement of others in a similar situation.
  • If you have siblings or other family members who could assist with aspects of care, do not hesitate to reach out and ask for their support.

Another common solution is professional home care services. A professional caregiver can handle shopping and errands, provide respite care, and shoulder care responsibilities alongside family caregivers. In many cases, family members choose to hire caregivers full-time. This way, you can go back to simply being your parent’s son or daughter, without all the worries and burdens of care.
“Getting that family dynamic back is something that can be really important,” says Larry Meigs, CEO and President of Visiting Angels. “A lot of family caregivers don’t realize how big a change these services can make to their family relationships.”
Meigs notes that many family caregivers are unsure if professional home care is right for their loved one. To help families get a fuller sense of what they can expect from caregiver services, many providers offer free in-home assessments, which come with no obligation to proceed with care. Families can contact Visiting Angels for a no-cost care assessment by calling 800-365-4189 or by contacting their local Visiting Angels office directly.

Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad

Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad Caregiving Paradox of Quality Time with Mom or Dad
 
 

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How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care
Caregiving

How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care

by Richard Bitner
written by Richard Bitner

Elderly decline is a natural, if unfortunate, part of life. Decline in physical and cognitive function is an inevitable part of growing older, making day-to-day life increasingly difficult for seniors. Come a certain point, decline makes it unsafe for seniors to continue living without the support of senior care, either from family caregivers or a senior care agency. How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care
Decline often goes hand-in-hand with denial. Elderly decline is stressful on seniors and their family members, and many people use denial as a coping mechanism. But denial about elderly decline and the need for senior care isn’t just common — it’s also dangerous. Denial prevents elderly adults from getting the care they need, which can accelerate their decline, severely reduce their well-being, and put them at serious risk of illness and injury.

Understanding Denial & Senior Care

No one is immune from denial about elderly decline and the need for senior care. Denial is commonly experienced by declining seniors, and it can affect their spouses, siblings, children, grandchildren, and friends. Sometimes, denial from a single person is what undermines senior care. Other times, an entire family is in denial, creating a particularly difficult situation.
While denial is difficult to overcome, a greater awareness of how denial works can make it easier to recognize denial in yourself or others. The following information may help you better understand denial, how it relates to elderly decline, and how it compromises senior care efforts.

  • Denial occurs when a situation is too distressing for a person to accept. By minimizing or ignoring the problem, the person can avoid its emotional consequences.
  • Short-term denial can be healthy, as it gives a person time to emotionally process traumatic information. For instance, it may give an elderly adult the chance to subconsciously process the fact that they won’t be able to live on their own without assistance.
  • Denial becomes unhealthy if it continues long-term, or if it prevents urgently needed action. In cases of elderly decline, it can mean that a person does not get senior care services they desperately need.
  • Declining seniors who go into denial are often distressed that they may lose the ability to walk, retain memories, perform favorite activities, be self-sufficient, or continue living at home.
  • Family members of declining seniors may go into denial because they’re afraid of losing their loved one, because they worry about the costs of senior care, or because they feel unprepared to act as a caregiver.
  • Signs of denial include ignoring signs of a problem, treating signs of a problem as insignificant, or rationalizing reasons not to worry about signs of a problem.
  • It is extremely difficult for a person to recognize that they are suffering from denial or to convince them they are in denial, but the condition is often obvious to outsiders.

Overcoming Denial Around Elderly Decline

Have you noticed signs of denial about elderly decline and the need for senior care in your loved one, a family member, or even yourself? If so, there are strategies you can use to overcome it.
When dealing with another person in denial, it’s important to avoid anger or judgment whenever possible. Build a case around facts and evidence. Often, denial continues because a person avoids information that would prove the problem exists. Introducing this information could stop denial from persisting. If you can predict ways that the person might explain away or rationalize new information, you can also be prepared to show them why their way of thinking may be mistaken. Be prepared, however, for denial to continue despite intervention.
If denial persists, you might wish to schedule a senior care consultation with a care professional. An expert’s voice could be the difference maker your family member needs to see signs of decline for what they are. Typically, these consultations are provided at no cost and with no obligation to continue with senior care.
To learn about senior care options in your local area, or to book a free care consultation for your loved one, contact your local Visiting Angels today.

How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care

How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care How Denial About Decline Compromises Senior Care

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Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation
Caregiving

Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation

by Kathy Macaraeg
written by Kathy Macaraeg

One of the most challenging caregiving issues – outside of the actual caregiving tasks – is finding a way to balance caring for your elderly parent’s needs with your immediate family’s needs, particularly if you have children in the home. Parenting and caregiving are both physically, emotionally and financially draining endeavors with big rewards. Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation

You’ve heard the term “sandwich generation,” but the full impact of that role is difficult to imagine until you are living it. Your mother needs groceries but your child is home sick from school, or your mother took a fall but your child has an award ceremony. How do you manage the needs of two very different carees without feeling like you’ve failed both? Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation

Tips to Manage Being Part Of The Sandwich Generation

If you are part of the sandwich generation and are struggling to juggle parenting and caregiving, here are some tips to make your roles more manageable. Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation

Organization is Key:

Juggling the schedule of an elderly parent and children can be overwhelming. The best way to keep it all together when you are part of the sandwich generation is to set up a system to organize it all. I personally prefer an old fashioned planner, where I can drop all of my appointments on a monthly and weekly calendar and keep notes in the back. You can include contact information for all of your mother’s doctors, as well as the soccer schedule for your daughter.

Of course, the best system is the system that works best for you, so if you prefer a digital calendar, Google has a wonderful calendar that can be shared with other people. If you are coordinating rides for your children or parents, this is a great way to make sure everyone knows where they have to be.

Set up a good record-keeping system to ensure you don’t forget an important piece of information. Is it your mother who is allergic to penicillin, or is it your husband? Set up a medical file either in a binder, in a file cabinet, your phone or on your computer with important health information so you don’t forget those important details. Juggling Caregiving When You Are Part Of The Sandwich Generation

Share the Load:

Just because you live the closest to your elderly parent doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself. I had a family who ran their mother’s care like a business. The three siblings were all part of the sandwich generation, with their own young children so they divided up the oversight of their mother, who had dementia, in a way that worked for them.

The oldest daughter lived across country, so while she couldn’t handle day-to-day tasks, she handled her mother’s finances and found services for her. She hired the caregiving agency, cleaning service, hairdresser and transportation services for her mother. The son lived an hour away, but worked nearby, so he took his mother to her medical appointments and the youngest daughter, who had young children would handle her mother’s grocery shopping and managing the caregivers.

They were a well-oiled machine who worked together. If you have a sibling who doesn’t live nearby, taking on your parent’s finances is a great way for them to contribute to your parents’ care.
If you are an only child or your siblings aren’t able to provide care, can you outsource services? Perhaps your siblings can help cover the costs to take some of the load off of you. I had a customer who had two sons, but was estranged from one of her sons. While he did not play a role in her care, he did contribute financially to help his sibling, who he was very close to.

Another possible untapped resource is friends or family of your caree. My mom helps her nephew care for his mother, who is my mom’s sister. She has also stayed with a friend who was recovering from surgery when her friend’s husband needed to travel. Don’t only look to siblings, think about both of your extended networks.

Make it a family affair:

Being part of the sandwich generation means caregiving is sometimes a family affair. Do you need to check in on your mom but your spouse isn’t available to stay home with your children? Take them with you! Your parents will love to see them and I’m sure they would love to see their grandparents. You can have them help with the simple tasks such as work around the yard, laundry or even vacuuming. I knew a family whose high school-aged daughter would spend her spring break with her grandmother, cooking lunch for the two of them and going with her on walks. What a wonderful bonding experience for the two of them!

Or, alternatively, bring your parent along on your family activities. When I was a child, my mother used to pick up my grandmother every Saturday and she would join us in whatever activity we had planned, or, we would all go to lunch together. It was wonderful to spend time with my grandmother, and even after she was in a wheelchair, we were still able to enjoy her company over lunch.

Let go of the small things:

This is a really difficult one for me, but not everything has to be perfect. Sure, the clean laundry is still sitting in the basket and the dishes are still in the sink, but the world truly will not end over these small things. Accept that sometimes, good enough is enough and forgive yourself for the imperfections. It is far more important for you to take a 20 minute nap than to have your floors mopped.

As someone with a Type A personality and a chronic illness, I struggle with this every day. I have to remind myself that my health is more important than having all of the mail sorted or the clean laundry put away. As long as the clothes are clean, we’re set!

Live in the moment:

While it is extremely overwhelming to take care of the needs of both an elderly parent and children, try to remember that the busy-ness and exhaustion of this time will not last forever and there will be a time when you will cherish the time you had with both of them. Our parents don’t live forever and our children won’t always be so young. This is really difficult to put into practice, but it if we try to focus on the joys of now and let go of the small things, it can help us accept our present.

Are you part of the sandwich generation? What are some of the ways you handle caring for elderly parents and children? Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation

Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation

Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation Juggling Caregiving in the Sandwich Generation

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Aging

When You Should Compromise

by Kendall VanBlarcom
written by Kendall VanBlarcom

Compromising can be a difficult thing to do with people. While it’s a great way to make two people happy about a situation, it doesn’t always work out that way. That’s because there are some situations in which you shouldn’t compromise. Knowing when you should compromise will help you save time and energy. When You Should Compromise

What It Means to Compromise

You probably know what it means to compromise. When two people do not agree on something, each person decides to do a little of what the other person wants, and the other person does the same. That way not one person gets everything he or she wants, but both people get a little of what is wanted. The problem is that it doesn’t always end up that way. Sometimes, one person can’t give a little because that would mean forfeiting it all. In the end, a compromise doesn’t help that person.

It’s true that some people will perceive compromising as losing no matter what. For example, a person may not be willing to give up any of what he wants, and if that’s the case, a compromise cannot be reached. Usually, these people feel that compromises don’t help them. They want what they want, and that’s that.
If you’re one of these people, it might be time to consider when you should compromise.

Situations When You Should Compromise

Instead of refusing to compromise on everything, the following are some situations in which you should.

  • When You’re Doing Something with Someone

When you’re trying to find something to do with someone else, you should compromise. It’s only fair since that person will be experiencing whatever you decide to do.

  • When Someone Is Affected By the Decision

Going along the same lines as the first one, this situation for when you should compromise has to do with when someone is affected by your decision. For example, you want to move to a new home, but you take care of your grandchildren each day. The new home is not kid-friendly, so you probably should compromise and find another place that you like, but is more kid friendly.

  • When Working in a Group

When you’re working on achieving a goal with a few people, you should try to compromise. Everyone has their own idea on how something should be done, so everyone should be able to have some input in achieving the goal.

  • With Yourself

You should always compromise with yourself. This is a big part of self-control. Almost everyone in the world wants to do everything they want, but that’s not always the right move. Being able to choose only some of the things you want to do can help you from getting out of control with money, time, or even emotionally.

When You Should Not Compromise

Just like there are situations when you should compromise, there are some when you should not.

  • When the Decision Only Affects You

You have the right to do what you want and need to do. Some people want to take that right from you because they believe they know what’s best for you. As much as the other person wants to compromise with you, when it comes to your life, your decisions are yours – just as the consequences are yours.

  • When Using Your Own Money

When you’re using your money on yourself, you shouldn’t have to compromise with others on how you use it. You may have made financial mistakes in the past, but the consequences are yours to deal with, so people shouldn’t be able to tell you what to do.

  • When Taking Care of Yourself

Many people compromise with loved ones on the best way to be cared for as they get older. While it can be a stress reliever to compromise in this situation, you don’t have to. Again, your life is yours, and if you’re able to competently make decisions, you still have the right to make them.

Getting More Help

While you may know when you should and shouldn’t compromise, what comes afterwards is the hard part. Dealing with others’ reactions when you don’t compromise can be difficult to deal with no matter the situation.

 

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Downsizing A Home Full of Memories
Home Improvements

Downsizing A Home Full of Memories

by Kathy Macaraeg
written by Kathy Macaraeg

Helping Your Aging Parent Downsize

When someone lives in their home for several decades, chances are, the home is jam-packed with a lifetime of memories and stuff. As our parents age, they may need to downsize their belongings in anticipation of moving in with family, an assisted living facility, or even to a new condo in a fun retirement community.

It can be overwhelming to find the right place to start when it comes time to downsize. If your parents are like mine, everything has meaning. My mom still has things from when she was my Girl Scout leader! If you haven’t heard of the popular book on decluttering called “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing,” it has become a tool for people to sort through their things that have meaning versus things that take up space.

If you don’t have time to read the book, here are some tips from the book, as well as techniques I’ve used to help me keep a family of four from being over-run by clutter in an 1100 square foot condo with no garage and no additional storage. Downsizing A Home Full of Memories

Working With Your Parents to Declutter Their Home

  • Do a preliminary run through. Without getting too deep into the project, walk through the home and garage together and make quick decisions on things they no longer want and how you will dispose of it. For example, they may have three folding tables in the garage and realize that they will likely not have any more outdoor parties where the tables are necessary. Decide right away if they’ll be donated or if someone in the family wants them. You can also decide if you’re going to do a garage sale. They can put the sale money towards something fun like a vacation or even a big family party. To make it even easier, get colored labels and assign a color to sell, donate and family giveaways.
  • Do a challenge. I read about a 500 item challenge where each day, a person went to different parts of her home and threw out as many things as she could in 10 minutes. You can start the challenge with your parents on the days you are visiting. To make it more efficient, you can have a bin for donations, a bin for family giveaways and a trash can. Set a timer and do as much as you can in that amount of time. If your parent isn’t able to do the decluttering himself, have him sit in the room and guide you.
    Preserve memories. If your parent is holding on to your artwork from 40 years ago, work with them to create a photo memory book. Take pictures of the artwork and make a photo book out of the best artwork. Once you go through the items, they’ll probably see that every single item isn’t worth preserving. You can do this with trinkets they’ve picked up on vacations, collections, etc.
  • Use your imagination. As you are going through the items, ask the question, if I saw this in a store today, would I still buy it? This is interesting because there are many items in my home that I would definitely not re-buy.
  • I once read an article about cleaning house that suggested putting everything that is on the floor into the middle of the room and then going through the pile to put everything away. I do this with my kids when we clean their room and it works well. For a senior, they probably don’t have a bunch of items on the floor, but you can do this with items on a book shelf or in kitchen cabinets. Seeing how much of everything they have can make letting go of things a bit easier.
  • Clear the paper clutter. If your parents have tax records from 20 years ago and pay stubs from the 1970s, clearing the paper clutter can take a long time. If they are worried about what to keep and what to get rid of, find a guide to what they need to keep and stick to it. If they have so much stuff that it would kill your shredder, consider dropping off the bags at a safe shredding location. Many office supply stores offer this service.
  • Pass on the childhood memories. This is the time for your parents to stop offering their home as a storage facility for their grown children. If there are items you or your siblings are storing at your parent’s house, take them home. I am guilty of this since I live in a small home. My parents have most of our wedding china stored at their house, which tells you how important that china really was! I’ve been married for 12 years and have only used two sets of my china less than 10 times.
  • Do a more thorough walk through and categorize items into four categories: definitely save, possibly save, donate, save or giveaway and discard. Color code the items that are in the donate, save or giveaway and discard piles and start moving them out.
  • Get rid of kitchen items. Whether your parent is moving in with you or into an assisted living facility, chances are, they won’t need much in the kitchen. Hold on to a few dishes and cups to make their new home feel more home-y, and get rid of the rest.
  • Understand that this process is difficult and be patient with your parent if they resist getting rid of things that aren’t necessary. Allow them to stroll down memory lane and encourage them to find ways to keep memories alive. Downsizing A Home Full of Memories

Downsizing A Home Full of Memories

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